How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
from now on my penis is your penis
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
