Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
so much tequila, so little girl.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Randomize
