It's Friday. Sex?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize