My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
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