Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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