Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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