Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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