he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
