When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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