what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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