My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
