I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
