Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
