U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
