If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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