i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize