I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
