I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize