I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
