One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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