Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
