theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
