Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I think I just sharted jello shots
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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