I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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