Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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