Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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