I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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