I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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