She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
