i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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