I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
