I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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