before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
