Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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