Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
