You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
