I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
The Olympian is in my bed
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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