I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
