Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
