There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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