Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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