What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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