It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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