the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
