just come out here and I will go home with you...
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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