Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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