I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
