A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
