seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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