my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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