you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
