The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize