Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
