im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
