Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Are my feet made of real feet?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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