he wants to bone in the snuggie
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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