i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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