You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
