your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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