I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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