She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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