All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
