I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize