please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
What drink are we having for lunch?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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