Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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