Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
